somehow i feel like i just lost you;
you walked away with that cardboard smile on your face.
i cant even respond...

it looked like a real smile.
cardboard ones often do,
because of course they printed a picture of one on there.
it might even have been your smile.
it wasnt a current one though, it was a smile for a photograph,
the camera doesnt care if you meant it or not.

its so strange when something you thought was solid
suddenly dissolves in front of you,
and maybe something of it is still there,
maybe you can rebuild this sandcastle.
all the parts are there, you know what it looked like,
at least mostly what it looked like.
or maybe you dont.

paper airplanes fly brilliantly in blue skies
but not so well in the rain

the funny thing about sand though, is that can be reused...
im not so sure about paper.

i know im stretching these metaphors, but im pretty sure im holding sand here.

so ive been slacking off lately with posting on here

ive been thinking about sin lately. i think maybe sin is kind of like if you are on a basketball team but rather than actually playing with the team you decide to go stand elsewhere on the court and do jumping jacks or something. or maybe its like you are in the middle of a war and instead of fighting and sticking to the lines and doing your job you are texting somebody and sitting in your foxhole. yeah maybe its more like that. at least thats another way to look at it maybe.

i just somehow get this image of something big and important going on and sinning is like me completely ignoring it and doing my own thing just to entertain myself. and God turning and looking at me and shaking his head at my complete lack of attention to His plan

nothing profound this time, i just wanted to keep you hooked.

i think it is tempting for christians to approach sin in a very improper manner.

when you are instructing children, you tell them how to behave. thats just how kids need to learn. and that is how christians like to approach morality. it doesnt work.

the problem is, most people dont respond well to personal criticism, and they generally make their choices based on what they like to do or what has seemed to work for them in the past. its far too easy to tell someone that what they are doing is wrong. it is much harder to get to the root of their issues. im not saying we need to ignore sin or that we should allow open sin in the church. im just saying that rather than trying to reach people by showing them how good we are (which doesnt work) or telling them how to behave (which hasnt worked) or legislating their behavior (because gee look at all the people who have become christians through our involvement in the government...) we should be addressing the real root of the problem and getting involved in peoples lives.

another mistake we like to make is we see people who disagree with us as the enemy. anyone who speaks out against the church or lives in a way we dont condone or even just isnt interested in our little world of activism and altar calls.  we all too easily forget that "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (Eph. 6:12 ESV)  we werent put on this earth to stop the bad influences on our children or keep atheists out of government or close sex shops or even (gasp!) stop the gays from taking over. we are to carry out the work of christ on earth. christ's ministry was about healing and setting people free from the bondage of sin in their lives. he was personable and loving. he hung out with a pretty rough bunch of guys. sure they probably acted up once in a while. but jesus didnt go around just telling everybody how bad they were. we should really take a better look at his ministry.

i know i didnt really offer a lot here, but its a start i guess. i might write more later if i come up with something more to say.

 

not a lot to say today, i just like posting on here mostly

went to a funeral today. realized i dont like missouri synod liturgy. it seems hollow. at least catholic liturgy has some austerity. idk. i dont like preset services. they just seem shallow and meaningless. thoughts?

i really dont enjoy being in groups of people. even people i really like hanging out with normally. i really dislike groups. i just dont really know what to do. im uncomfortable sitting or standing there, i tend to walk around or move to different places but i just cant get comfortable. even if im in the conversation i feel excluded. i think i tend to try to talk to one person to kinda narrow down the crowd a little bit or something. huge crowds dont bother me, i just dont like groups of people so much.

im lonely. i just want somebody to love. i almost dont even care who it is anymore.

thats not entirely true. i just wish i had somebody.

well, i seem to be posting on here quite often. its kinda nice.

i have been thinking a bit today about writing. i think i should do some writing. not sure what tho. any suggestions?

im inquisitive by nature. i think this makes it tough for me to behave in a way, i tend towards discovering and exploring. all sorts of trouble comes from this.

i guess i should clarify a bit on the whole muse thing. i was trying to figure out what i was talking about and i didnt really come up with much. there are two times in my life that i can think of that i had the whole "muse" thing going on. but really it comes down to being frustrated over a girl. i would like to think im completely capable of producing something without being angsty. i thought of something new while driving on saturday but i forgot what it was.

not sure why i keep writing stuff on here, im pretty sure nobody reads it

sometimes its nice to just put stuff out in the open. but sometimes it feels pointless unless i know people will actually read it, so idk what to think really

ive decided i disagree with the existence of muses.
it is a beautiful idea, but i think its just a transitory relational phase. under certain emotional conditions, people may be prompted to produce impressive creative works, but it has nothing to do with the person influencing them to this state, its just a right-brain thing i think. not sure why i put this up here, i guess its more of a random reflection than anything else. ive noticed at times i become inspired to produce something, but i feel like it is more of a deeply-engrained thing than something that is actually inspired by an external source.
 
ive also come to the conclusion that nobody actually understands me.
i used to think there were a very few people that did, but i seem to be consistently proven wrong. i could at least take comfort in the idea that someone might think like me, but that also seems to be quite misguided. everybody's got their own thing going on, and i guess i will just have to live with that. i just really dont understand some things. i also think i get a lot more emotionally connected to people than they realize and probably closer than they care to be. maybe thats not true, but it sure seems that way. putting trust in people seems to be a consistently bad decision. i feel like i can really only ever trust myself. as soon as you think you kind of understand somebody, they do something you would have never expected.

i also think i will never get married. and i dont mean that in a cliche way. it seems unlikely that i will find someone compatible with me. i dont think my standards are unrealistic, i just cant imagine finding someone who is what im looking for who is also interested in me. of course, i am not very happy about this situation, but there isnt really anything i can do about it except hope that God has some cards up his sleeve. i will make do with what ive got. life isnt fair, just play the cards you're dealt i guess.

i'm trying to do some things differently this summer, if you are interested you can ask me about it. it might end up on here eventually but im not sure yet.

anyway, i'm sure i'll put something more up here after a while. i have to sleep though.

please feel free to leave some feedback, i feel like nobody reads this if i dont get any responses, and its nice to know somebody is at least looking at what i think about.

im in a yellowcard mood. i listen to them when im in a certain mood. if you listen to their music you can probably understand my mood. its not about the words or whatever, its just about the sound. its kind of just about pent up emotion with nowhere to go. its just a pent up tension with no release, no true expression, just frustrated intensity.

found this in my computer the other day, i dont like it, i think its dumb, but i didnt want to just delete it, so here it is





we're caught in such a cruel game
you played your hand, i played mine
you beat me soundly, but not fair and square
you called them spades, but we both knew they were just black hearts

another thought.

i will have a very difficult time being in a real relationship because i dont think i'll ever be able to believe that anybody else could love me as much as i love them. and that terrifies me.

an interesting self reflection
note: this is very pointedly a self reflection

i feel like almost all of my friends only ever listen to me out of duty. i dont know why this is. in my mind, i know this is probably not true, but somehow i always get the impression that they are only listening and interacting with me because they feel obligated to. i talk to them, and they are polite back, maybe because im friendly or something, idk.

anyway, i dont really know what more to say of it than that, i really dont have any speculation or further thoughts on the matter, i just felt like i should say that to whatever audience actually reads what i post, which i assume is probably somewhere between zero and two. with a variance of about one.

i went for a walk to the convenience store on the corner today. i wanted to get some coke. and some candy too, i decided. i heard a bird that sounded like the signal that is played at some intersections when the "walk" signal is lit, to let you know you should be walking. i was texting on my phone as i walked. i looked down at my phone, and ran into a branch.  i got a liter of coke and some good & plentys.  when i got to the counter, i pulled out my debit card. i dropped it. the man at the counter is middle-eastern i think. he said "it didnt bounce, must still have money in it." i smiled. clever. i headed back out, and started walking again. saw darin driving past. i waved. nice weather.

is it better to live in a world with no sun, or to know there is a sun that you will never see?

her every word a buried mine,
the poet softly pens a line,
laying pointed tip, so anxious,
filled with ink, itself benign.

eternal form no more obscured,
each stroke is softly passed from wyrd
to artists mind, and set in light
those thoughts no mortal yet has heard.

and now ensconced in present view,
these ancient truths made fresh and new;
oldest wisdom oft returns refreshed
and clad in brighter hue.

I don't think I'm a high-maintenance friend.  I do, however, think that I am a very needy friend sometimes.  I think I have a tendency to smother people.  I'm sorry if I have done so to you, I really just have a hard time coping with things that most people would consider to be just a part of normal life.  Social situations are very strenuous for me.  I have been told to "just get over it" enough times, I think people just assume I'm overreacting.  Just because you consider something to not be a big deal doesn't mean I experience in the same way.  Sometimes I deal with things just fine, but lately I've been having a hard time dealing with people and I just don't cope with things very well.  I'm sorry if I burden anyone with my silly insecurities, but just because you don't understand them doesn't mean they aren't serious to me.  

Don't worry if you're reading this, it isn't about you.  The person that inspired this doesn't know I even have a LiveJournal account.  I just wanted to say it where somebody could read it.

Its funny... When you're a kid, your problems seem like a big deal. Your fights are legitimate to you, you have a good reason to take offense, and your emotions are just as real. But adults see children's social interactions as immature.  Kids don't have the experience adults do, and their interactions don't have nearly as much importance or meaning. What is so strange is that if you look closely, adults have the same problems children do, and generally there is no more legitimacy to adult problems than child problems.  The difference is that when you're an adult, your actions have consequences that can last a long time, and since you have more life experience, you are more set in your ways.  Kids forgive each other very quickly, they learn to get along, they can get over any offense and just be friends, and as adults we smile and appreciate it.  We can enjoy their simplicity, but we cannot model it.  We are unwilling to give up our ideas of how others should treat us and what sorts of behaviors are acceptable.  It's really kind of pathetic, we seem to get more immature as we get older.